A friend shared the above on Facebook.

I felt my heart burst reading these words.

Life will always be far more than sheer utility.

A simple truth?

There are those of us who wouldn't still be here were it not for the intangibles.

We would be long gone, whether in body or spirit.

So we were given something to help us survive.

To help us see truth and beauty, in and all around us, and begin to comprehend it.

To give us life.

Art is vital - in every sense of the word.

Mental illness VS mental health problems - Reflecting #onmymind

This is a distinction I've been mulling about for a long time, particularly now as the world becomes increasingly conscious about mental health and mental illness and people are more and more encouraged to be open about their experiences. For years, I've been trying to better ascertain the point at which my own mental stresses and episodes of distress might actually be symptomatic of genuine mental illness as opposed to simply being due to character.

I've looked this up many times in the past but on today's particular little Google dig, prompted by a rather difficult couple of weeks, I found The Department of Health's page on 'What is mental illness?'

Somehow, this is the first time I've seen it so succinctly outlined in a way that seems to make the most sense of my general state of being. If I actually suffer from a mental illness, then I don't want to live in denial of a real problem, but if I don't, I don't want to fall into the belief that I have something I actually don't and I've admittedly been struggling with this distinction for the last decade or so because I've been often enough uncertain about how best to manage.

******

In mid-2003, I suffered a relatively minor setback during a time in which my health was also quite turbulent and proving disruptive to my life and study, being a third year at the time. It wasn't a death or anything so sad as that, but it was a loss that led to a difficult number of months. I dealt with it day to day and got on, it wasn't a total loss of positive emotion, and I am certain I recall having had normal days and normal joys during that period (funnily enough that I mentioned briefly in this very blog), but I was often very emotionally low and life and study just seemed to hammer at it.

Late November then came around and dealt another blow, this time it was a death, and what followed were a good few months of genuinely deadened emotional capacity. This could definitely be described as a depressive period as it was pervasive till about February of 2004 and suffered many days of genuine incapacity. I didn't go to anyone for help at the time, outside of my family and friends, because I saw it more as natural grieving. When the worst eventually passed, I moved on.

Health is always a fun trigger. In 2009, I was diagnosed with a new medical condition to add to my list and I had a bad time dealing with it so someone recommended I see a clinical psychologist. It was a short run because by my first appointment, I was largely doing much better and was attending out of sheer curiosity. Once it was done, I saw no need for it anymore and chose not to proceed.

However, it was also around that time that I began to notice that my PMS, the physical and emotional symptoms of which used to barely make any imprint on my life, began to get quite severe. I have always been very emotionally sensitive and that sensitivity has never been hard to trigger so if I was very preoccupied or upset and endlessly worrying because of a fight or a perceived slight or some other overwhelming situation, that was pretty much par for the course for me.

However around this period (pun originally unintended but now I'll run with it) I began to suffer from more severely depressive episodes after incidents and these episodes became quite marked by suicidal thinking. I'm unsure if that is an overstatement, but to be specific, I would know the entire time that I wouldn't harm myself, but I desperately wanted to or would hope something else would, so that the dark thoughts, the sadness, the sheer pain would end. I would be far too overwhelmed to identify it during, however then it would suddenly lift away and I could just cope again. Life wouldn't suddenly be perfect, but the crushing weight and cocooning darkness would be gone and it would become absolutely manageable again.

After a few more cycles (pun semi-intended this time) of the same thing, I realised it was PMS. The severity of the negative affect did have me wondering if it was PMDD, though as always, the duration of symptoms and severity of disruption remains the distinction. Regardless, realising this has helped me moving forward because I have been able to identify these episodes for what they are and then manage them from there as best I can. Nowadays, when it hits, it can still be deeply and darkly consuming but after this many years, the capacity to cope, even positively respond, and see the light at the end of the tunnel steadily grows. In terms of trying to specifically understand why the mood symptoms have seemed to worsen over the years, my psychologist and I did have a discussion about lifestyle changes and impact on hormonal balances and I've been able to identify various aspects that either alleviate or worsen things during my cycle. It all remains a matter of management.

2017 ought to get special mention, but that would be an entire post on its own. I did, however, somewhat address it in an earlier post.

Finally I, like half the world, suffer from a general social anxiety (though these days, thanks to time and age, social situations are a far happier ground) and a fear of public or group speaking situations (I still have a very real fear of classrooms that still pervades my attendance at training courses, seminars, meetings, etc). This is also exacerbated by my body's tendency to make my skin often break out in rashes in these situations. Over the years, I have been able to gradually deal with gradients of these fears and I am no longer so incapacitated as I once would have been when they occur, but it is also very dependent on the overall situation and my resulting state of mental and emotional strength. As someone who suffers from self esteem difficulties, I quite comfortably know that this has more to do with my own need to build self-confidence and to worry less about non-constructive outside opinion (indeed, something I am always working on whenever I post anything publicly). I am also prone to worry, thanks to a vividly overactive imagination. Things that haven't happened often weigh on me and this is something I continue to work on.

******

Overall, I have found these experiences helpful because recounting them has allowed me to take stock of my actual mental health. I always will be reluctant to stake any claim to a legitimate mental illness, or any illness, that I may not have, particularly when those with real enduring conditions are suffering and living with the real thing day to day. Doing so feels on par with temporarily breaking a leg and then comparing yourself with someone who lives their life in a wheelchair, it just feels insulting and inappropriate.

Furthermore, the two are very different and, depending on the situation, will ultimately require different strategies for coping and overall management. Much like time to heal and undergoing physical or psychological therapy will finally heal that broken leg or get someone through a particularly difficult time, these strategies would only be part of a long term maintenance plan for anyone dealing with more chronic difficulty that may have less concrete cause.

What I have had, alongside the usual day to day difficulties, are quite severe bouts of mental health problems due to a number of factors, both internal and external. Furthermore, last year, I sought professional help to deal with a particularly bad bout because that help was genuinely needed and my psychologist was a much needed pillar of support during that time, even coming into this year which has definitely had its challenges. I can't cheers her enough.

As stated by SANE.org, it is one thing for us to be human and suffer quite natural emotional and psychological responses to outside stressors, but it is another when these problems persist, particularly despite the lack of an external cause or reason, and then significantly affect your ability to function in everyday life. Regardless of the source, if what you're experiencing is causing genuine distress, then anyone needing to, should seek help.

I think that in the end, the reason I tried to put this all together is because identifying the problem is usually the first step to working towards a solution and with the onslaught of information that gets thrown at us all day, every day, via the internet and social media, it is very easy to become overwhelmed or confused by it all and end up with addled conclusions about our state of mind. I know I'm definitely prone to that and as I mentioned, this was a distinction I have wrestled with for some time. This exercise has afforded me a kinder clarity on the matter and I'm genuinely glad about that.

I don't have many people read these entries, but it appears that some still do so I do want to clarify that this is entirely based on my own experience and character. I would never presume to advise anyone else of their own situation, particularly without any knowledge whatsoever. The links from the Department of Health and SANE were of particularly help to me and they may be of help to someone else who may have been pondering the same things I have so I'm happy to share them.

But if anyone is struggling or battling, I do urge you to get help. Talk to someone, a family member, a friend, a doctor, a teacher, a religious or spiritual mentor, and ask for help. Hell, talk to me if you can't think of anyone else, I mean it. Otherwise, there are a ton of resources available to anyone who needs them and again, should anyone reading these words right now need them, I will happily share them here.

All the best to you on your journey 😊

Australian Crisis support lines 24/7 
Obtained from the Mental Health Commission:

Lifeline 13 11 14

Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467

Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800

MensLine Australia 1300 78 99 78

Family Drug Support 1300 368 186

Worldwide Crisis Support Lines

List of Suicide Crisis Lines from all over the world, courtesy of Wikipedia (nice, Wiki!)

On my brain's recent vacation to the world of Cosmology

When I thought of the above title for this post just now, it seemed a somewhat clumsily inadequate metaphor, but now as I think more about it, I have always associated my vacations and holidays with a broadening or rebirth in perspective and a resulting eagerness to learn more and that is exactly what this last week has been for me so I think I'll run with it.

A few months ago, a friend of mine lent me two books, both of which I somewhat hurriedly finally consumed in the last week because she asked for them to be returned for other friends to read. I'll ignore my regretful complacence in not reading them sooner and as it happened, I was (now in my opinion, quite fortuitously) able to finish both before finally returning them to her last week. 

Both books were fascinating beyond measure and allowed me to go on the journey from the intricacies of the Cosmos all the way right down to the complex ecosystem of the Gut. I adore the fact that the mind has such capacity for travel across such different worlds and on that concept alone, I imagine I could write a whole other post, although for now I've decided to narrow it down to the first book and its ongoing and wonderful aftermath - Astrophysics for People in a Hurry by Neil deGrasse Tyson. 

This is an incredible book about a subject I've always loved. The Universe and all its mysteries have always fascinated me on countless levels - the sheer size of this mysterious entity in which I somehow reside, the scale of such a thing in reference to Earth which in itself is a mass of histories, concepts, beings, and everything we could possibly imagine and more; the billions of galaxies and billions more celestial bodies and objects that reside within it; the composition, evolution and sheer beauty of all those objects; the capacity to see, observe and learn from them all... I could really go on, but ultimately, it is an area that I and millions of children before me have always looked upon with such awe and interest.

Incredibly, I just remembered one of my favourite literary encounters as a kid. There is an Aussie book called My Place in Space by Robin Hirst and Sally Hirst. In it, a little boy and his sister are catching the bus home and when asked by the driver where they live, the boy says, 'Home.' When the driver mocks him for not providing an address, the boy then proceeds to give the most epic address ever. 

Ok, I've now literally just re-looked up the book  and purchased it on my phone and am in the process of re-reading it. The edition I've found is an updated edition which now includes Pluto's change in status from a planet so thankfully the book is still accurate and only goes to show the continuing evolution of our scientific knowledge. Another update I've noticed that I think I have correctly remembered, is that now Henry and his sister both contribute to the address where previously it was just Henry talking while his little sister sort of just did funny things behind him. It reads a tad clunkier if you remember the original, but is a nice change, particularly if it does encourage more little girls to feel less left out by notions of Astronomy. 

Returning from that brief but fun detour into one of the likely roots of my personal interest in space (mind travel is awesome, no?), I've since read a fair amount about astronomy and astrophysics. I took an Astronomy Gen Ed course at uni, I've read books, I've watched documentaries and read tons of articles, however as years have passed, my overall retention of information has been pretty poor because despite being an area of intense interest, it has been far from one of any real personal focus. When I get to read about, I read about it, that's it. I have had to live life, work and of course focus on things of more importance than my own wish to broaden my cosmic understanding. 

Then about two years ago, a friend of mine introduced me to the star gazing app on her phone. It hadn't yet occurred to me to search for an app to let me do this and it was awesome. That evening, we sat on top of her Coogee rooftop and looked at the stars and planets in a way I hadn't really done since my Gen Ed observation nights. Unfortunately, at the time, I didn't have enough space on my phone so when I downloaded the app, it kept crashing and I ended up having to delete it. It wasn't until April of last year when another friend mentioned his own app whilst telling my friends and I that Jupiter would be visible that I attempted to download the app again, this time on my newer phone. Since then, I've used the app and enjoyed the added convenience of getting to engage more with the Night Sky and more particularly in the last few months since I've begun taking more photos of the various planets on my phone. 

In the wake of this recent resurgence of engagement and interest, reading deGrasse Tyson's book has been one of the most enjoyable things I've done this year. That is not an overstatement. I loved it so much. He takes the reader through the fundamentals and the history and he did so in a way I found so surprisingly comprehensible after other books have left me completely dumb and overwhelmed by how little I understand and how much more I have to learn to simply understand a sentence. Don't get me wrong, I still had a few moments like that while I was reading the book, but overall, I found each page fascinating and found that it all made some form of logical sense to me from one concept to the next. While taking me along the cosmological journey through time, space and theory, it explained concepts that I had previously held vague ideas about, like neutrinos and the lengths and functions of the different waves. It re-introduced me to planetary trivia that I'd long forgotten, like Jupiter's vital role as our protective Big Brother. It allowed me to finally get jokes I'd heard on TV about spherical chickens in a vacuum (frankly, this book made so many Big Bang Theory references suddenly make worlds more sense!) and it gave me insight into everyday things I knew existed, but hadn't fully understood, like the fact that InfraRed and UltraViolet were the bookends to ROYGBIV. Reading this book was the most fun I've had in a long time while learning so much. 

This, combined with my most recent shift in overall life objectives and plans, particularly around reading much more and writing much more, left me with a brain thrilled and primed to find out more, to fill in the gaps that the book could not possibly cover if it were to be aimed at 'people in a hurry'. One of the most fascinating points he makes in the book is how much everything we learn only leads to more questions and more debates between the experts in the field, highlighting that science isn't so much filled with indisputable facts as is so often over-simplistically touted, but rather a field rich with ongoing theories, tests, findings, analyses, questions and debates and constantly reminding us of what we know and don't know. 

Due to my literally being 'in a hurry' to finish this book and the other lent to me, I moved on to the world of the Gut straight after, but having finished that the day I finally returned both books, I have looked up more reading and decided to delve into an area that would make sense for me to look into considering my own personal beliefs, the relationship between Cosmology and Theology. I ended up on this excellent page in the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy by Hans Halvorson, a professor from Princeton. Brilliant read leaving many papers to read in its wake, I highly recommend it. It does an awesome job of laying out the historical cosmological models and the various arguments put forth by many of the field's minds, past and present, regarding these models' relationships to the notions of theism and atheism. Again, a cornucopia of debate and insight (often leading me to turn to Google for some of the concepts that once again baffled me!) that again highlights that concepts that have been widely accepted are still being challenged, like the Big Bang, which is challenged by both Loop Quantum Cosmology and String Theory. Of course, even taking the Big Bang as the prevailing model, interpretations of its either confirming or not confirming the existence of an omnipotent creator also vary and the debates go on. 

The more I read, the more I want to read, and so I shall. I'm charging myself with a lot here, but my brain is enjoying every second of it and only feels more energised by its sojourn into the astrophysical world to fill its existing knowledge gaps by embarking on a better acquaintance with the basics of Physics. Youtube has proven a fun start considering visual demonstrations of motion and force better aid my physical and spatial comprehension. When I got home last night, after getting briefly distracted by a TED Talk on Organic Chemistry, I ended up on the Crash Course about motion in a straight line. Then this morning, I ended up going on a fun journey through the principles of flight, Bernouli's Principle and existing questions around that principle, Newton's Third Law of Motion, the means for travel into space and ultimately ending on a thought experiment about removing the existence of Time (not the man-made measurements of time, mind, rather the sequential nature of events). For just this Sunday morning alone (worthy of a whole post in and of itself, which I fully intend to start after I take a break), I'm grateful to Mr deGrasse Tyson and to my friend for lending me his words in the first place. 

I'll end this post with another video I watched this morning of the man himself on the Late Show with Colbert. 

His energy is infectious and his final point is a really good one, but admittedly, it's not one that will keep me up at night so much as it just reminds me that as much as we can know, there will always be something else, something new, something missed and while that can be disheartening for some, I see it as simply a statement of reality. Our limitations will always exist and we will only ever be able to grasp what little we can but what we have grasped thus far is endlessly fascinating and always will be and therefore provides only more motivation to keep searching, learning and shifting what we need to shift - just as we did when we found out the Earth was round, when Germ Theory was discovered, when we learned that the Universe was expanding as opposed to being in a steady state, when we learned about subatomic particles, when we learned that Pluto wasn't actually a planet... and basically every other time paradigms shifted. On personal, individual scales, we often find we have to do this all the time and while I couldn't possibly begin to have deGrasse Tyson's level of perspective on the matter, I tend to find that what we understand about our more visible, more immediate world constantly shifts and I keep having to incorporate that understanding into my perspective and any resulting attempt at a worldview. I've undergone countless 'paradigm shifts' in my own character and I know this will only continue with time and experience and I have faith that those entrusted with the search of these bigger answers will have the capacity to survive and learn as they have always done. 

This is why I love science and this is why I love life. 

How living with food allergies can be a most wonderful thing...

Yep, another one about food because not only have I royally stuffed myself since arriving in Bourton-on-the-Water (exhibits A - G for your perusal), but today I had my first ever scone and therefore my first ever Cream Tea 😄 Apparently I inadvertently favoured the Devonshire style of scone by going 'cream' (or in this case, Vitalite) first. Either way, all the cheers, Green and Pleasant!

This is one of the nicest things I've ever had. Seriously, holycrapYUM. I fully plan to get another one tomorrow before we head to Heathrow and have already found places back home that do vegan scones and vegan high teas so we're all in for a treat, my loves, because you are all getting dragged.

A funny thing - Ma was taken aback by the awe, which is fair enough considering surely someone has come up with vegan scones by now and surely it's not hard to make them yourselves with the right substitutes, but thinking about it, when you've had allergies spanning 3 decades (oh waah, I know, but hear me out), you've pretty much erased certain foods from possibility. It doesn't occur to you to even think of alternatives until someone presents the very thing right to you. The chocolate and a bunch of cakes, biscuits and other previously unthought of treats have thankfully made their way into my brain over the last decade (all thanks to a random Easter present, by the way) but new stuff will inevitably keep coming - like scones. After years of being told they're off limits, you write them off and the thought of having one simply doesnt occur to you till some bloke in a village in the Cotswolds says, 'I make vegan scones here'.

Then you eat, grin, gush (if you're me) because holycrapdeliciousthankyou and add it to the growing list of new awesome foods that you previously assumed you'd never have and had practically 'forgotten'. Long story short, it's pretty much why I'll never stop getting so freaking excited about food and it's a fun ride along with those of you who get just as excited for me 😃❤

#greenandpleasanttearooms #bourtononthewater #cotswolds #allthefood #allthesweets #allthestepsfromthisholiday #happilynegated #😊

My scones - carefully made and stored separately from the other goods in the cafe.

Lemon Drizzle Cake.

This steak fell somewhere in the middle of the final rankings of the Battle of the Steaks. Lovely bruschetta, though.

My amazing breakfast, courtesy of the amazing Katie at the Red House East B&B. Go there! She is an absolute gem of a human being. Not only was she a great host, she took my allergy info and made that gorgeous plate of food. My love is eternal.

Apple Puff Pastry Pies from the Bourton Co-op. These weren't even labeled vegan, they were just free from dairy and eggs. Amazing.

Me and my vegies from the Co-op.

Visiting Downton Abbey, er, I mean, Highclere Castle

Hello, Highclere. Yes, the tune played in my head the second the house came into view 😅

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to take photos inside the house (where I experienced many a dopey Downton fan moment as I walked through familiar rooms, passages and staircases) but it really is something. The gardens are amazing too, even on a gloomy day like today. Atop that, however, the Egyptian Exhibit was actually really interesting. Lord Carnarvon's (as in Carter and Carnarvon) descendants live here, a fact I of course only found out after looking up the place because of Downton.

#cheerstv #highclerecastle #hampshire #happydowntondork

Life can be pretty sweet sometimes, literally, figuratively...

... either way, this is the first ever proper dairy free chocolate box I've ever seen. Not in any way disregarding the chocolate blocks, biscuits, eggs or amazing, amazing truffles that friends have made me over the last decade or so, but there's something about little firsts like this.

My first taste of chocolate since the late 80s was in 2006 and since then, these really awesome firsts just keep on coming and I will never not be grateful that something that continues to cause me so much bother simultaneously acts as this continuing source of moments like this.

Cheers, life.

#ohandcheersm&s #thesaltedcarameldiscisbomb #gettingmistyoverchocolate #whatafreakinggirl

St Michael's Mount, Marazion, Cornwall - I adore this place. I absolutely recommend visiting.

One of our first views of the Mount from our First Kernow bus.

After reading about how difficult walking about on the mount was, I was almost put off, especially as I have some joint issues, but in the end, we decided to take the bus out from Penzance and I couldn't be gladder. Yes, it is a bit tough to walk, particularly up to the castle, but if you can and do the castle first - which was so interesting to visit and had incredible views of the coast - then walking the gardens and the soft grass is a treat. 

Admittedly, it was the gardens that got me. Really beautiful. Despite many other tourists being out and about, the place was so lovely and tranquil. I found a particular spot on one of the hills, looking out on the shore and was able to just sit there for a while, soaking it in and watching the waves crash against the mount. Lovely place to visit even on a cloudy, windy day, I can only imagine what it's like when it's sunny and blue. There are boats that take you across for 2 GBP per person when the tide is high and that's how we got across. There is an interesting little free exhibit that gives information about the history and life on the island for those few island dwellers (who I'd not realised existed!). If you aren't up for paying to see the castle or gardens, you can walk about the pier and visit the cafes and relax on the grass just before the path up to the garden and the views of the coast are still lovely, but if you can manage the walks, I would highly recommend visiting the castle and gardens.

Riding the boat to the Mount. We missed low tide so couldn't make the walk across, but honestly the boat rides in and out were a treat. The guy manning our boat was a resident of the mount and that revelation surprised me so much as he was talking.

The row of houses for the 35 or so people who live on the mount. 

Yummy little Vegan Caponata wrap from the Island Cafe on the mount.

My own little spot on the mount. I was hear for a beautiful, beautiful while.

Writing while waiting for Steak Bakes to bake...

Ah geez, how cute is this little guy?? I said, minutes before biting his tiny grinning head off.

I've actually been pretty spoiled for food over here (food-filled photos below). Loads of vegan options for the fake vegans among us and fairly stringent allergy laws have meant eating has mostly gone down a treat. Also the Battle of the Steaks rages on with the Devonshire Arms in Baslow still well in the lead, Morelands Grill in Dublin battling it out with the Bank Tavern in Keswick for second place and Lolanda (aka Gristle City) in Paris a distant last.

Oh and I'm now obsessed with Steak Bakes. If we have anything similar to them anywhere in Sydney, I'm in big trouble.

No points for guessing what's on my mind. Dinner will be ready in a half hour so here were 100 words on steak.

#mmmmmmm

This was my first cake in the UK - Vegan Carrot Cake! Cheers to Kat's Kitchen in Keswick!

Also from Kat's Kitchen - nice little vegan version of a Victoria Sponge. 

Mother's Day lunching at the Bank Tavern in Keswick, in the Lake District.

Me and my capsicums, even on holiday!

Steak Bake! I am still trying to locate something similar to this here.

Irish Stew in Killarney! Amazing! They used thickener instead of cream so I could eat it and it was perfect - hearty, delicious and warming on what was becoming an increasingly cold and windy day in the Ring of Kerry.

Chicken wings at Old Mill, in Temple Bar. Oh man, was I missing chicken by that point!

Amazing vegan doughnuts from The Rolling Donut on O'Connell Street Lower - Lemon and Poppyseed, Chocolate and Jam with Icing Sugar. Not pictured: Vanilla Icing already wolfed down. Seriously, Sydney, pick up your vegan/allergy game! I think I'm going to have to do something about this... yes, that is a threat that I may attempt to start a vegan doughnut business.

Morelands Red Quinoa Salad - avocado, pear, toasted cashews, tender stem broccoli, overnight tomatoes, virgin olive oil and grapefruit dressing. My official conversion to quinoa is complete.

We decided to go fancy for our last dinner in Dublin and ended up at Morelands. 

Our first little 'homemade' dinner in Penzance - steak bakes, spring rolls, veggies, salad and chilli con carne.