This is a distinction I've been mulling about for a long time, particularly now as the world becomes increasingly conscious about mental health and mental illness and people are more and more encouraged to be open about their experiences. For years, I've been trying to better ascertain the point at which my own mental stresses and episodes of distress might actually be symptomatic of genuine mental illness as opposed to simply being due to character.
I've looked this up many times in the past but on today's particular little Google dig, prompted by a rather difficult couple of weeks, I found
The Department of Health's page on 'What is mental illness?'
Somehow, this is the first time I've seen it so succinctly outlined in a way that seems to make the most sense of my general state of being. If I actually suffer from a mental illness, then I don't want to live in denial of a real problem, but if I don't, I don't want to fall into the belief that I have something I actually don't and I've admittedly been struggling with this distinction for the last decade or so because I've been often enough uncertain about how best to manage.
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In mid-2003, I suffered a relatively minor setback during a time in which my health was also quite turbulent and proving disruptive to my life and study, being a third year at the time. It wasn't a death or anything so sad as that, but it was a loss that led to a difficult number of months. I dealt with it day to day and got on, it wasn't a total loss of positive emotion, and I am certain I recall having had normal days and normal joys during that period (funnily enough that I mentioned briefly in
this very blog), but I was often very emotionally low and life and study just seemed to hammer at it.
Late November then came around and dealt another blow, this time it was a death, and what followed were a good few months of genuinely deadened emotional capacity. This could definitely be described as a depressive period as it was pervasive till about February of 2004 and suffered many days of genuine incapacity. I didn't go to anyone for help at the time, outside of my family and friends, because I saw it more as natural grieving. When the worst eventually passed, I moved on.
Health is always a fun trigger. In 2009, I was diagnosed with a new medical condition to add to my list and I had a bad time dealing with it so someone recommended I see a clinical psychologist. It was a short run because by my first appointment, I was largely doing much better and was attending out of sheer curiosity. Once it was done, I saw no need for it anymore and chose not to proceed.
However, it was also around that time that I began to notice that my PMS, the physical and emotional symptoms of which used to barely make any imprint on my life, began to get quite severe. I have always been very emotionally sensitive and that sensitivity has never been hard to trigger so if I was very preoccupied or upset and endlessly worrying because of a fight or a perceived slight or some other overwhelming situation, that was pretty much par for the course for me.
However around this period (pun originally unintended but now I'll run with it) I began to suffer from more severely depressive episodes after incidents and these episodes became quite marked by suicidal thinking. I'm unsure if that is an overstatement, but to be specific, I would know the entire time that I wouldn't harm myself, but I desperately wanted to or would hope something else would, so that the dark thoughts, the sadness, the sheer pain would end. I would be far too overwhelmed to identify it during, however then it would suddenly lift away and I could just cope again. Life wouldn't suddenly be perfect, but the crushing weight and cocooning darkness would be gone and it would become absolutely manageable again.
After a few more cycles (pun semi-intended this time) of the same thing, I realised it was PMS. The severity of the negative affect did have me wondering if it was PMDD, though as always, the duration of symptoms and severity of disruption remains the distinction. Regardless, realising this has helped me moving forward because I have been able to identify these episodes for what they are and then manage them from there as best I can. Nowadays, when it hits, it can still be deeply and darkly consuming but after this many years, the capacity to cope, even positively respond, and see the light at the end of the tunnel steadily grows. In terms of trying to specifically understand why the mood symptoms have seemed to worsen over the years, my psychologist and I did have a discussion about lifestyle changes and impact on hormonal balances and I've been able to identify various aspects that either alleviate or worsen things during my cycle. It all remains a matter of management.
2017 ought to get special mention, but that would be an entire post on its own. I did, however, somewhat address it in
an earlier post.
Finally I, like half the world, suffer from a general social anxiety (though these days, thanks to time and age, social situations are a far happier ground) and a fear of public or group speaking situations (I still have a very real fear of classrooms that still pervades my attendance at training courses, seminars, meetings, etc). This is also exacerbated by my body's tendency to make my skin often break out in rashes in these situations. Over the years, I have been able to gradually deal with gradients of these fears and I am no longer so incapacitated as I once would have been when they occur, but it is also very dependent on the overall situation and my resulting state of mental and emotional strength. As someone who suffers from self esteem difficulties, I quite comfortably know that this has more to do with my own need to build self-confidence and to worry less about non-constructive outside opinion (indeed, something I am always working on whenever I post anything publicly). I am also prone to worry, thanks to a
vividly overactive imagination. Things that haven't happened often weigh on me and this is something I continue to work on.
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Overall, I have found these experiences helpful because recounting them has allowed me to take stock of my actual mental health. I always will be reluctant to stake any claim to a legitimate mental illness, or any illness, that I may not have, particularly when those with real enduring conditions are suffering and living with the real thing day to day. Doing so feels on par with temporarily breaking a leg and then comparing yourself with someone who lives their life in a wheelchair, it just feels insulting and inappropriate.
Furthermore, the two are very different and, depending on the situation, will ultimately require different strategies for coping and overall management. Much like time to heal and undergoing physical or psychological therapy will finally heal that broken leg or get someone through a particularly difficult time, these strategies would only be part of a long term maintenance plan for anyone dealing with more chronic difficulty that may have less concrete cause.
What I have had, alongside the usual day to day difficulties, are quite severe bouts of mental health problems due to a number of factors, both internal and external. Furthermore, last year, I sought professional help to deal with a particularly bad bout because that help was genuinely needed and my psychologist was a much needed pillar of support during that time, even coming into this year which has definitely had its challenges. I can't cheers her enough.
As stated by SANE.org, it is one thing for us to be human and suffer quite natural emotional and psychological responses to outside stressors, but it is another when these problems persist, particularly despite the lack of an external cause or reason, and then significantly affect your ability to function in everyday life. Regardless of the source, if what you're experiencing is causing genuine distress, then anyone needing to, should seek help.
I think that in the end, the reason I tried to put this all together is because identifying the problem is usually the first step to working towards a solution and with the onslaught of information that gets thrown at us all day, every day, via the internet and social media, it is very easy to become overwhelmed or confused by it all and end up with addled conclusions about our state of mind. I know I'm definitely prone to that and as I mentioned, this was a distinction I have wrestled with for some time. This exercise has afforded me a kinder clarity on the matter and I'm genuinely glad about that.
I don't have many people read these entries, but it appears that some still do so I do want to clarify that this is entirely based on my own experience and character. I would never presume to advise anyone else of their own situation, particularly without any knowledge whatsoever. The links from the Department of Health and SANE were of particularly help to me and they may be of help to someone else who may have been pondering the same things I have so I'm happy to share them.
But if anyone is struggling or battling, I do urge you to get help. Talk to someone, a family member, a friend, a doctor, a teacher, a religious or spiritual mentor, and ask for help. Hell, talk to me if you can't think of anyone else, I mean it. Otherwise, there are a ton of resources available to anyone who needs them and again, should anyone reading these words right now need them, I will happily share them here.
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| All the best to you on your journey 😊 |
Australian Crisis support lines 24/7
Obtained from the
Mental Health Commission:
Lifeline 13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800
MensLine Australia 1300 78 99 78
Family Drug Support 1300 368 186
Worldwide Crisis Support Lines
List of Suicide Crisis Lines from all over the world, courtesy of Wikipedia (nice, Wiki!)
